Examiner.com recently published a nice throwaway list of the most common sexual fetishes. It’s adorable, first for using the word fetish and second for starting the entire list by talking about how if you just have normal sex you might not be aware of these things. If you’re not aware of these things then hello, welcome to the internet, nun from the 16th century. It’s nice to meet you.
How did Examiner decide these were the most common fetishes? No clue. Not to say they’re wrong, these seem pretty standard, but you can’t just say that. After all, they’re missing all kinds of things. If bum love is a fetish, then isn’t oral? Are threesomes really a fetish, or just a fantasy? What’s the difference? Well, I’m not answering any of those questions. I’m just taking the list at face value and kind of ruining it. Which isn’t to say you should avoid these things, it’s just to squirt an ounce of sticky realism on them because if you’re going to act on a fantasy, you may as well appreciate the reality before you get too deep. So to speak.
Domination & Submission
I like to think this happens in any sexual encounter to a greater or lesser degree whether we know it or not. After all, someone is generally always on top in a dominant position. But that, of course, is a lot different from wearing a leather KGB uniform and beating someone’s ass with a riding crop while they’re tied up with bungee cords. So D/S has a pretty wide range of activities it may encompass. Our friends at Examiner take the time to specify whipping, spanking and the use of restraints. Some people live their whole lives in submissive relationships. You actually have to fill out applications for dominants to prove you’re worthy to be their every day slave. Not a sex slave, mind you (you may do that, too) but just a real, actual day to day slave. Cleaning, cooking, sitting on the ground and being used as a footstool. Or a toilet. People do that.
So, to clarify your downside, make sure you know who you’re submitting to. It’s all well and good to want to be called names and maybe choked into semi-unconsciousness if you’re into that, but do you then want to scrub toilets on your hands and knees? Some people take this stuff way too seriously.
Examiner gives you a little etymology lesson about voyeurism (it’s French! Swanky!) and says it’s about getting off watching people undress or have sex. You little perv, you. This is also known as spying or being a peeping tom.
The following sentence actually appears in the Examiner article – “it is worth mentioning that voyeurs are not the people who like and view porns.” This needs to be addresses, not for the content, just for the grammar. Porns? Who says that? I’m starting to doubt the expertise in this article.
Porns aside, a voyeur typically wants to watch the real thing, not the porns thing. And that’s great, who doesn’t want to watch their hot neighbor getting changed? It’s just, you know, horribly illegal in most places to do this. So while, as a landlord, you can see an upside to installing hidden cameras in all the showers in your building, eventually you will be arrested and labeled a sex offender for doing that. So don’t do that. Examiner assures us that “it has been noted that many individuals even sneak inside of closets to watch other people” which means you don’t want to live in whatever insane neighborhood the writer of that article lives in if “many” people are creeping in closets over there.
Who doesn’t enjoy some roleplay now and then? French maid, schoolteacher, the cranky lady cop who uses her tazer inappropriately, that shit’s kind of fun. Examiner says “you have to get dressed up in different uniforms to turn on your partner.” Really thinking that maybe the person who wrote that article hasn’t had much in the line of actual sex before, but hey, maybe having sex one day is their fantasy and this article was a kind of outlet for that pent up frustration. Good for you, Examiner guy!
For the rest of us roleplay probably involves what you say a lot more than what you’re wearing. I’m basing that entirely on the existence of sexting and cyber sex, because no one cares if you even have legs during that, let along what kind of pants you’re wearing. Nonetheless, Examiner says “The most common ideas include dressing like bunny girls, school girls, French maids, secretaries, robbers and cops.” Isn’t that cute? Bunny girls.
Roleplaying is generally a pretty safe bet, but you do need to watch out for some pitfalls. The biggest one you’re going to find is, unless it’s your partner’s idea, they’re going to start wondering why you keep talking about other people and things all the time. Until eventually they start wondering if they don’t turn you on by themselves. If you reach that spot, abandon roleplay immediately! It’s a trap.
I like that Examiner added the word pursuits. It makes it sound like a weekend hobby. During the week you file TPS reports at the office and on weekends you’re more concerned with anal pursuits and sometimes fishing. If I had to pick one winner of a line from the Examiner piece, it’d be this gem;” Anal sex is relished by both men and women.” This guy is some kind of wordsmith. The line about many men and women using buttplugs is a good one too, though. Poetry, really.
If you Google it you’ll find studies that say anywhere from 30% to 60% of women have tried anal sex, and the real number is probably completely different than that. But the point is, a fair number of folks are into it, so it seems like a reasonable entry. Also, that was a double entendre that I felt the need to point out.
Anyway, when it comes to the backdoor boogaloo, there’s actually a curious number of sites that are more than willing to point out so many downsides you’d think anal sex had to involve a bear trap. ‘Sex experts’ who are against it will start talking about fissures right off the bat. Fissures? For real? And then lack of muscle control and hygiene concerns and man…it’s like an anti-butt conspiracy out there.
This seemed like an odd one on the list, I have to say. Is this that common? Maybe it is and it somehow eluded me all these years. I’m aware of textile fetishes, but they seem quite a bit less common than people who dig butt sex. But far be it from me to question Examiner.com when they say things like “Using vinyl, leather and latex in sexual activities can be clearly regarded as a perfect alternative to role play” and then go on to not really explain this, instead opting to end the paragraph with a grammatically unsound sentence about flogging.
In a nutshell, the fetish here seems to be about texture and/or the feeling of confinement? I’m not even 100% sure. But I will show you this;
Those are latex vacuum beds. If you’re not terrified right now, maybe this is the fetish for you. If you are terrified, then I need not explain the potential, claustrophobic, sweaty downsides.
Threesomes & Foursomes
Lots of people seem to think this is every man’s number one fantasy. Maybe it is, I don’t have the time to ask. It seems like a great idea though, you and two women. Hard to find a fault in the logic, anyway. Examiner supports this idea for adding spice to your boring, awful relationship. However, watch a week of Maury Povich and you’ll realize that threesomes can fall apart double quick and end up with you taking a lie detector test on a daytime talk show which is literally the most shameful thing on Earth.
As with a regular twosome, you’ll probably want to make sure you trust a third person before inviting them to have sex with you, or else you get the same kind of problems you get when you have sex with someone you don’t really know. Maybe it’ll work, or maybe she’ll be shithouse rat crazy and spend the next six years stalking you and leaving bags of feces in your mailbox. It’s up to you, Gambler.